Sunday, November 27, 2016

on moving forward with your life

It's been an hour since I sat down inside this cozy coffee shop located in between the west and southern part of Jakarta. In the span of that 60 minutes, I have finished a glass of blended ice coffee and and read numerous articles and blogs on the internet world. Not very interesting, I must say.

Tonight, I am by myself. One part because I have no plans with anyone today, no one invited me to go anywhere and I did not send out any invitation either. One part I just want to be by myself today and write and be productive. One part I am still on my period and the menstrual hormone can be scary. 

Another hour has passed while I was backtracking my twits. I usually had a couple of tweets that I retweeted from my phone to be read on my desktop later. And I have just ordered french fries before I got back to this post again.

Now, instead of describing my literal current state, I am going to just describe about my ongoing current state.

For people who have known me long enough or if they stalked me diligently, they might have known about my situation. But for people who I just met during recent years ((and are not as nosy as me)), they might have no clue about my story.

Just a few weeks ago, I was hanging out and having a dinner with my team mate. We were talking about more personal stuffs instead of just work-related stuffs. The conversation led up to us talking about our family. And as she discussed about her own family, she asked me the same question back. And I can't answer it properly.

There was also another occurrence which happened a few days ago. While eating, another colleague of mine ask me a question related to my family. He asked whether my parents were asking me why I came home late ((I usually arrived home pretty late but I also started work not very early either)). I paused for a brief moment before I said no. I wasn't lying, but I wasn't completely telling the truth either. So I proceeded to just ask him the same question back.

Honestly, this issue is still a very tough issue for me to deal with. Of course life goes on, and I continue to carry on my day-to-day life as a living person. But it is not the same thing as moving on from breaking up with your ex or letting go a huge beneficial opportunity.

This is something that I had never chosen to experience.

This is something that still haunt me every single night as I get to bed.

This is the questions that I keep on asking every day I wake up.

The grief was there. And the grief is still there.

They said that time heals all the wound. But this is the kind of wound that can not get healed that easily. Even after all this time. It never get healed. It only gets easier to deal with. It is not something I can easily get over with. I even doubt I can ever get over with the grief. It's only that things get better. And I grow wiser and stronger.

That's why, it is actually never easy to talk about this issue in person. The only way I can answer that at the moment is by writing. Frankly, I am worried. If I ever talk about this again, I will break down in tears and it will drain my energy for days.

Do you know what is even worse? Unless I accidentally fell asleep, the thoughts of my parents would circulate in my mind every night before I go to bed. I did not cry myself to sleep. But it is something even more hurtful then tears. It is the empty feeling.

Every night, I will have memories of both my parents in my mind. And every night, the memories will begin to fade. At first, it was still vivid. The good memories were there. The bad memories were there. But as time goes by, the memories started fading. Sometimes it was only the bad. Sometimes, if I tried hard, the good ones will come out.

Sometimes, I wonder, were those memories real? Did they even exist? Or was I making stories in my mind since I could not really remember everything that clearly anyway.

Actually, I knew how to confirm those memories. I can just go through my old pictures and my brain would automatically rewind the memories I had back then. But that process was really painful. I did that some years ago. And I found myself crying and sobbing for a very very long time. I can not bring myself to do that again in near future.

Sometimes, I wonder what will happen if they were still alive? I wouldn't be sitting here, typing a very miserable post. I wonder what will my brother be doing if he did not need to take care of the store. I wonder if I would jump to work right away after I finished my degree and internship. I wonder if I will befriend the same friend if I did not have this much independence.

Many, many times I will ask why. Why me. Why our family. Why. Why?

Many, many times, I find myself with no answer.

I can only console myself that this life. It works in a mysterious way and as a human being, the only thing that I can do is to brace myself and go with the wind.

I can only tell myself that God has bigger plans for me and for my brother. Though after 6 years, we still had not figured out what His plan is.

I am writing about this not because I hate my life or anything. In fact, I am content. I am blessed with my extended family who is ever so caring towards me. I am thankful for friends and colleagues who showered me with love and respect.

It's just that, the sorrow is still there. But it is not like I can choose not to have those things happened or something that I can take control of. If it is meant to happen, than it will happen.

On the other hand, I became much more mature and wiser for my age. Though I am still trying to be considerate of myself and let my young soul have fun. I did gain lots of independence which might be viewed as a privilege for some others. I am allowed to make decisions and choices for myself.

But, it is also came with a big wide hole in your heart. It is like a part of you is taken away. And it took a fortune to bring it back, if it ever happened. Loneliness will be your friend. And you will get used to being lonely. Even if you are in the sea full of people, you will sometimes still feel like you are alone.

Well, of course this does not happen all day long. When I am at work, I will focus on working. Or when I am with my friends, we will share hilarious stories have a good laugh. When I watch Korean drama or read a novel, I will imagine that I am the protagonist.

But there is always a slight minute in everyday life, where you are completely by yourself and completely fed with your thoughts only. These are the moments that I can not avoid. So I chose to just embrace it. I choose to let myself be sad for a slight minute and be completely okay for the entire day.

Before this gets any longer, I think it is best to just end it here. I know this is not something that everyone can relate to, and I understand that. I am not here to seek for sympathy or consolation or anything like that. I mean, I have been completely fine on my own all this time. I should be as fine on the days ahead.

I am just here to tell you my stories, to share with you; my most honest feeling. These are the words that I can not utter to any of you in person but rather through my writing. This is a story in which, if any of you is going through the same thing, you know that there is another person here who completely understand that.

This story is to remind each other, that it is okay to feel sad. It is okay to befriend the grief and loneliness. As long as you know how to handle it and focus on the present.

If any of you went through the same situation like me. Cheer up, and lift your head up. Do not let the grief take over you. I believe that we are all entitled to choose how to continue our lives. I chose to be strong and to go with the flow. I believe things happened for a reason. And now I am just hoping that one day, one day I will know what the reason is.


  1. hi, just read on the post on your blog.

    i do feel the same thing, i hv a personal problem too -related with some family thing too anw-, but in the other way. im super sensitive when friends wanna know more about my personal things and i always make a great barrier for them not to touch the area they suppose not to know, not even whom I consider as my best friends & ex. not such an open person when I hv a problem so I always rely on writing as the solution of telling the deepest stories inside for years.

    when i read your post there are some points of similarity I feel like you do tbh, especially words-I-mean-so-cliche "God has a bigger plan for u" oh plz. I also dont know what is the big plan that God has planned for me until now, Im just wishing having a normal life like everybody has.

    i wish someday i could hv courage like u to tell all my deepest stories, so it wouldnt be burden anymore inside my mind & heart. be strong, i know u can do it. plz keep writing ur deepest feeling inside, so i will know about the God's big plan for your life, and i hope i can share mine to you too. ;)


    1. Dearest Anonymous,

      First of all, thank you so much for reading and leaving your comment here. I understand that family problem can be very tough and not everyone can share about this thing, even to the people they are closest to.

      Even for me, it took me 6 years before I can finally talk about it. And as I said, I can not even talk about it properly. I always resort to writing, because I feel that it is the best way to convey my feelings.

      I am glad that you can still rely on writing when you want to talk about your stories, even though you do not share it to anyone else. I believe that writing is a great way to release a certain weight out of our heart.

      Honestly, "God has a bigger plan" is the thing I try to keep in mind, so I can stay sane and move on. I hope that one day, you too will understand what kind of bigger plan God has to offer to you.

      I wish you could be strong as well! If one day you ever feel like sharing your stories/writing to someone else, I would be very honored to listen to you. I will try to share more writings in the future and I hope this will in some way make you feel better.

      Cheers, have a nice day, you lovely anonymous! :)