Sunday, November 27, 2016

on breaking promises and making assumption

I am so mad right now, like so SOOO MAD. I feel like if I did not write this down sooner, I might end up being super pissed off for a long time and become very negative. So let me try to write down my feelings and hopefully be more sane after that. 

I don't know if it is because I am a very very sensitive person or if it is my menstrual hormone or I think it is the combination of both that makes me become super duper hyper ultra sensitive.

Ah, I really don't know how to start this writing. 

So, okay, do you go out a lot? It can be just hanging out to the bookstore or the boutique or grabbing a dinner after work or just watching the movie on weekends. It is something that I do frequently and I enjoy doing. In process, I also liked to invite some of my friends to join me. And they usually said 'yes' to my invitation.


Do you know how many times the 'yes' turn into a 'no, I'm sorry' ((sometimes even without 'sorry'))? I lost count, really. I don't understand why my friends often cancelled in the last minute and changed their mind.

I mean like, I am trying to be understanding. After all, we are friends right? If you can not go, that's okay, I can actually go by myself. But if you have agreed, it is no wonder that I did have expectation that you would come and we would hang out together. 

I understand that sometimes we can be super lazy and we just wanna lay in our bed and not going anywhere especially if it is so hot or so cloudy outside. I also understand if we can be very tight on budget and going out will waste even more money. I understand that sometimes we can have a very urgent matter that is far more important than hanging out with friends. I understand if we get sick sometimes or feel unwell because of, say, period cramps, which is sucks really.

What I don't understand is how can people change their mind so easily after they have said yes? I mean, we have made a promise, and I have decided to spare my time to meet you. Why, just why did you cancel? And on the last minute? And not only once or twice?

Also, it isn't like we haven't talked about it before. I have made it so very clearly, that I hate this. I really, really don't like being cancelled like this when we have made plans that we both agreed on. I thought that you, my friends, would at least be more considerate towards my feelings.

I know that I have faced this kind of event so so many times. But I can never get used to it. When people agreed to meet me, I would always put my hopes high. And I would always fall down so deep and so enraged. I mean, I should have known not to be that optimist. But I can't and it was always me who ended up being so mad.

It has come to the point that I realize that maybe, maybe, the problem has always been me myself. It just took me a lot of mad and upset feeling to be aware of it. 

Maybe, I really wasn't fun to hang out with. Maybe, I was too intimidating that they can not say 'No'. Maybe I was really annoying when we hang out together that they felt like they did not want to go with me anymore. Maybe, I was really too chatty, too noisy, too full of myself when I talk. I don't know, really.

Or maybe, I was too sensitive? They say that girls are always full of drama. Am I too much of a dramaqueen here?

But if your friends have cancelled on you so many times, maybe you can understand how I felt. Oh God, even when I am typing this, I can still feel the anger inside me. I am sorry.

That's one case. 

There is another case, of friends who really, really love to assume things. There is this certain friend of mine who has befriended me for like 4 years and still like to assume things about me. 

Just like this evening, we went out to the mall together. But I separated to meet my uni friends while he hung out with the other group of friends. When I called and asked where he was, he told me he was in the cinema. And he told me that he was going to watch "Moana". And of course, he assumed that I wouldn't want to join because I have just watched a movie yesterday.

It was not even the same movie. I was watching "Fantastic Beast" yesterday ((where my other friend also bailed out)). What's so hard in asking if I want to join and watch the movie with the other? Why do you always assume things.

I am sorry I am this sensitive.

But really, if  you have started assuming and thought that I won't go, it just makes me feel so upset. If you say "Would you like to come with us?" instead of "I think you wouldn't want to come with us", it will make such a difference. Am I really asking too much?

If you can stop assuming and start asking, am I really asking too much?

When you have assumed something like that, I feel like you actually do not want my presence there. How would you know that I have a completely different thoughts in my mind? But now that you have mentioned that "I do not want to", you have made me feel like I really don't want to,

I have also made it very, very clear, that I hate people making assumption about me. I mean like, I know I make assumptions on my own too sometimes. But I am trying to minimize it as much as I can.

I mean it is not that I always wanted you to beg for an invitation to join. But if only that when I ask some things, you wouldn't butt in and assume things but rather ask me or let me voice out my opinion. 

Again, I am sorry I am this sensitive.

Now, here is a note to self.

Filicia, stop being very sensitive. You being this way would just make you mad and tired. From now on, if you want to go somewhere, invite your friends, but don't get your hopes too high. If your friends cancelled on you, don't be upset. You have always been okay on your own, and you will always be okay.

Filicia, if people are making assumption about you. Well, I don't know how you should handle this, maybe you can be less sensitive. When someone said "I thought you wouldn't want to...", then take a deep breath and say "Please stop making assumption about me, I actually would love to..."

It has been a long rant, hasn't it?

If you have read until this part, you have stayed long enough. I am sorry I emitted so much negative energy here. I just can't help it. I have to say what I wanted to say so I can stay sane and be okay and move on.

To my friends, you know who you are. I am sorry, I am not trying to talk behind your back or anything. In fact, I had talked about this stuffs before in front of you. I wish you had not forgot about it but in case if you did, that's okay.

I still like befriending you, and you are still my very treasured friends. This is just me trying to type out my emotions. And you know that I am better in writing than speaking when I am expressing myself.

If I ever did anything that annoys you, make you mad, or upset. I am very very sorry. I know we are all humans, and we are bound to have a negative traits in ourselves. I know I suck sometimes, but I am thankful that you can cope up with me and still want to be my friends.

Okay, I think I should go watch some cheesy Korean drama now.

See you :)

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