Thank You, Kim Jonghyun

Hello everyone.

I did not know how to start this post properly. 

I was still working when I first heard the news. SHINee's Jonghyun passed away. I remembered my heart skipped a beat. I thought it was a joke, and if it was, then it was too cruel. I thought it was a fake news, and if it was, then I would start a petition to sue the news outlet. 

About half an hour later, I finally finished my work. And I started to really read the news. 

That's when it really hit me. 

I went to twitter, refreshing my timeline and reading every updates related to him. And the condolences started coming in all over the place. And some people were saying that he was getting some CPR and that there was hope. I did not know what I should believe. I did not even know if it was real. Was I dreaming? Was I in some kind of an alternate universe?

I waited.

I read. 

I refreshed my timeline. Hoping to hear better news.

Police confirmed. 

My heart was beating faster.

My hands were shaking.

And my eyes are getting teary.

And tears eventually fell down. 

I was eating alone in a restaurant. Trying to hide my tears, trying to stay calm, trying not to sob heavily, hoping that all I have read was not real. 

I ordered an online taxi home. 

I put away my phone. 

And I tried to consume all the news I have read.

I tried to connect all the dots. 

I really, really tried to make sense of all these.

When I got home,

I saw the updates.

SM Entertainment has confirmed.

It was a suicide. 

And the family has requested for no autopsy. 

My mind was a mess.

My heart dropped.

And without knowing it, my tears started falling down again. 

I silently sobbed under my blanket. 

I read the messages from Shawols all over the internet. 

All his past songs started coming into my mind. 

And then,

There was Jonghyun's final letter.

And I just could not hold it. 

For the third time, I cried.

This time, it was a little bit louder. 

My heart ached. 

It was devastating.

That night, I had a hard time going to sleep.

I kept on waking up.

Kept on checking my phone.

That night, I prayed, from the bottom of my heart,

For the first time in a while.

I prayed,

that Jonghyun is now in a better place.

that Jonghyun can finally find his own happiness.

that Jonghyun can release all the demons in himself.

that Jonghyun is in peace.

that Jonghyun does not have to carry all his burdens anymore.

that God gives his family, his parents, his precious sister the strength to go through this.

that God gives all SHINee's members; Onew, Key, Minho and Taemin, the biggest heart, the biggest hug, the strength to go through all this,

that SHINee, for whatever the future holds for them, will stay to cheer and support on each other, no matter what.

that SM Entertainment, will be able to handle this situation wisely.

that SHINee Worlds, who have all been with SHINee will be strong and will continue living their lives beautifully and pass on the legacy that Jonghyun has left behind. 

that people, will realize how depression is indeed an important issue, and how mental health is an urgent thing. 

For us, SHINee World who had been following Jonghyun for the past 10 years, we knew well enough that Jonghyun had a mental health issue. He had openly talked about it. He had taken it as the theme around his songs. He had inspired people, that it was not a shame to talk about mental health in any forms. That everyone had their own battle. 

And yesterday, we were reminded yet again, that those demons could really, literally eat you up. I really could not comprehend my words right now. And I am not in the position to talk about mental health, but I just hope, that please, everyone, be kind to each other. You really don't know what kind of battle are the others fighting for. 

Dear Kim Jonghyun,

You have worked hard.

For the past 10 years, you have shined your light on your family, members, friends, colleagues and all your fans. 

Thank you for your sincere love, your soothing voice, your amazing songs and your kind heart.
I am proud to have been following your journey and I am honored to have called myself a fan. 

You will forever be in my heart and all Shawol's heart. 

Thank you for making music and sharing it to the world and leaving such beautiful marks in this life.

I sincerely hope that you are now in peace.

You have been inspiration and happiness to many.

And I hope, wherever you are now, you can find your happiness. 

Even better if the happiness can be found inside you. 

*

Also, this might seem a bit ridiculous. But I was watching the movie Coco. And I remember saying to my friend afterwards, "Can you imagine having to live with the same job in your afterlife?"

Like, how Ernesto de la Cruz who was a famous musician in his life was still a famous musician in the afterlife. I mean like, yes, the afterlife looked so colorful and magical in the movie. But I was hoping that in the afterlife, I do not need to do what I have done in my previous life, yet again.

I hope Jonghyun will get to eat well, rest well, play well and do everything comfortably. I hope he can find happiness in small things and live in peace. 

*

  

To my friends, thank you for telling me about the news and for some of you, thank you so much for wondering if I was okay. I was not. 

To my friends, who had no idea what's happening to me. I was extremely emotional. I am sorry I was not replying your messages.

The SHINee members might not know me in person. But we have been together for as long as I can remember. They have been with me from the tender age of junior high schools. They have motivated me towards the passing of both my parents. They have cheered me on for more than 9 years. 

With that said, I have known them even longer than I have known many of you guys. And I am sorry for being so unstable right now. 

I have never thought that this kind of thing would happen in real life. Not in my wildest imagination. Never. Of course, one day, people will eventually die. But I imagine that it would be many many many years later. Not yesterday. And never this way. It's so so heartbreaking. 

I am not prepared. None of the Shawols are ever prepared. I did not know how to react on the situation. I just know that there is a hole in my heart, aching for the passing of the most shining angel, Kim Jonghyun. 

*

"Lebay banget sih, itu artis juga nggak kenal sama lu."

"Gitu doang kok lu nangis."

"Yah elah, gua juga pernah ngalamin yang lebih parah dari itu kok."

"Gua juga pernah gitu tapi biasa aja."

"Dramatis banget sih lu sumpah."

Fortunately, no one said these stuffs to me. But I can imagine these words are being uttered by some ignorant human beings out there. 

Please, I beg you, do not throw this kind of negativity towards the people who are mourning. Please do not judge. Please do not compare your situation with others. 

Instead, please, practice some empathy. Please give them a big warm hug. Please understand, everyone has a different level of emotional capacity. What might seem to be a small thing for you, is a big deal for the others. Never underestimate other people's problem because you never know the whole story. 

*

For all Shawols out there, sending you all virtual hugs and prayer. Let's stay strong for our SHINee members and for Jonghyun who is now in a better place. It has been extremely difficult for us Shawol, and I really can not imagine how much more difficult must it be for Lee Jinki, Kim Kibum, Choi Minho and Lee Taemin. 

For everyone out there, these idols and artists are human beings too. Let us all be kind and spread positiveness. Let us all try our best not to bash, not to send hate comments, not to demand too much, not to become a burden. Instead, let's support and cheer on them. Let's support and cheer each other. 

Last but not least, this post has become so long, and it is all over the place. But I will leave it as it is and edit them later if I feel that it is necessary. 

Read my appreciation posts for SHINee on their seventh, eighth and ninth year respectively. 

김종현,

수고했어요
정말 고생했어요