on feeling lonely and being okay with it ((even if you're not))

me, january 2017, selasar sunaryo bandung, picture taken by tania

I remember during one of my visual communication design class back in university, we were having this personal branding project. As part of the brainstorming, we were asked to find some keywords to represent ourselves. 

I remember coming up with words like creative and positive ((thinker)). Since it was kind of an open discussion, my lecturer threw the question to my classmates and asked them how they would describe me.

I remember the only foreigner in our class, who I was not even close with, come up with the word, 'strong' which my lecturer quickly agreed on. 

I remember being so surprised, because for one, he is not a very good English speaker. I thought he was going to say some general adjectives like nice or kind or good. But to have him come up with the term 'strong', truly surprised me. Two, we were not even that close because of the language barrier. But, he seemed to even understand his classmates and surroundings which made me so touched. Three, I could not even think of that word on that time. I did not want to sound like I am boasting or what. I knew I am a tough cookie, but it just did not got into my brain until someone actually mentioned it to me. 

Friends and acquaintances have told me how I am strong, and independent, and such and such. Well, I am, most of the time. But, I also had my down. There were also times when I just could not stand that strong, when the wind blown me away, pushing me from where I stood, leaving me down on the ground. 

With my situation right now, honestly, it is so easy for me to get lonely. And when I am lonely, I ended up having unnecessary thoughts. And when I have those unimportant thoughts, I became gloomy.

Of course I do have my brother and my friends who would accompany me from time to time. But they were also living their own lives, and they were not always available for me every time I needed them. 

Sometimes, I felt so pathetic for feeling this way. I mean, I am totally okay with my being right now. I am totally okay by myself. But, there would be times when you let down your guard and became vulnerable. I knew that things were okay, but I did not know it could hurt too, sometimes.

Staying is Hard, But You Can Stay Positive

Talk about the expert of submitting a project on the due date ((even a few hours late...)). Oh yay, I am talking about myself, lol. I know, I know, not something that I should be proud of. So, what project? It's called The Blog Project, the one that I have talked about in my previous post.

I first knew about this project from Living Loving, a blog that I have long adored and got a chance to work with previously. They launched this project together with Lucedale and Beradadisini, both blogs that I have equally loved. 

I have been a long time follower of Claradevi though. From her longer hair days with vintage flowery clothing with the blog named under Sunflare Plethora. Even though her style has evolved over the years, but her writing is still as beautiful as ever. On the other hand, for Beradadisini, honestly I just knew her blog for a few months. But man, why didn't I know it sooner? Her words are amaaaaziiiing and her tips on writing is always inspiring. 

So, back to the project, I was super duper excited! Why wouldn't I? I mean, it is a great motivation to at least write once a month. With this project, I might be able to connect with fellow bloggers who are like-minded. I also got to challenge myself to write about a specific topic, which is supposed to be easier.

But, it turns out not to be that easy.

on moving forward with your life

It's been an hour since I sat down inside this cozy coffee shop located in between the west and southern part of Jakarta. In the span of that 60 minutes, I have finished a glass of blended ice coffee and and read numerous articles and blogs on the internet world. Not very interesting, I must say.

Tonight, I am by myself. One part because I have no plans with anyone today, no one invited me to go anywhere and I did not send out any invitation either. One part I just want to be by myself today and write and be productive. One part I am still on my period and the menstrual hormone can be scary. 

Another hour has passed while I was backtracking my twits. I usually had a couple of tweets that I retweeted from my phone to be read on my desktop later. And I have just ordered french fries before I got back to this post again.

Now, instead of describing my literal current state, I am going to just describe about my ongoing current state.

For people who have known me long enough or if they stalked me diligently, they might have known about my situation. But for people who I just met during recent years ((and are not as nosy as me)), they might have no clue about my story.

Australia

Do you dream in your sleep? I sometimes have a dream if I was woken up and fell back to sleep shortly after.

Last night / this morning, I had a dream of my mom and dad. We were chilling in what used to be their bedroom with the air-con and the TV on. That's when my mom got a call from my aunt -- which is not unusual since they use to talk on the phone almost everyday -- and she picked up. I heard them mentioning like my mom got into the next round of somewhat singing competition ((she had a very beautiful voice, I swear))

But then she said she was not planning to proceed with the competition anymore because it coincided with my mom and dad's trip to Australia. I think the plan was like in December.

Haha, so I just imagined that the two of them going to Australia, having a good quality time together. They are going to stroll around the Opera House, take pictures and probably send them to me via WhatsApp or LINE ((because we love hilarious stickers)). They will most certainly not forget to buy souvenir for me and my brothers ranging from chocolates and t-shirt with Aussie words on it. Also, they would not let a day slide calling and checking on us, like wondering why I have not gone home from the office or if we have eaten lunch yet and something trivial like that.

Oh, how I miss you both.

We'll see, I hope you guys are making good plans for your Australia trip in two months. It might be probably easier to travel from up there. Take your time planning and traveling the world.

;)